there is a bitterness that rises over that, like of course the ends are only justified some times and not other times, but that is extinguished quickly. as she is now, she doesn't have the energy to even think of starting an argument. ]
[ sabo isn't looking for an argument and even if she did want to start one, he wouldn't want to have it anyway. she had every right (everyone has every right) to be upset with him and the way he approached and handled things.
though there's only so much room that he can use to avoid mentioning this so— ]
Perhaps I assume too little the last time we spoke. You have leaned on Richard a considerable amount during your time here.
I’m not sure if you’re saying it as a good or bad thing.
[ and at this point it doesn’t matter. did she expect to end up having to cover up for murder and throw someone under the bus? absolutely not.
the weight of the guilt is heavy on her shoulders. it has never not been heavy. despite the horrible feeling in her chest, she can’t convince herself to regret it. ]
But I wasn’t going to let him give his life away. Not after he saved me.
[ even if she knows he would have. she could have pinned the entire thing on him, without any talk of self-defense, and he would have happily accepted the punishment. ]
[ and the guilt is noticeable to him where others might have missed it, and honestly, the last thing she needs is to be shouldered with even more guilt from whatever she held from before. ]
It's neither good or bad. Things aren't black and white; there are people who think that I'm a good person but that's before they learn what I've done.
What I'm not afraid of doing.
[ but this isn't about him. this is about perspective, in some way. ]
I wouldn't have allowed someone who saved my life to die so easily. [ ... ] I would also be very angry with a person who unjustly took my life.
[ which prob hits differently given that he's a dead man.... ]
[ ayaka knows what it's like to be cursed. to be haunted. though at the end of the day it had been a series of illusions and magic that had forced her to genuinely believe that the red riding hood was a curse, the effects of it still remain. ]
But at the end of the day, it was my choice. I didn't want Saber to die and Saber wasn't going to let me die. I'm not trying to be indifferent about this-- some days, I feel like I'm going to suffocate from the guilt. [ but each day goes on and it... doesn't get easier, but she has very slowly gotten better at managing it, she thinks.
though once again she feels like she has taken 50 steps back. ]
I meant what I said. Siffrin can curse me all they want, because it's what I deserve. And I don't want their forgiveness, because it'd be a slap to the face to ask for it. All I want is to bring you guys back to life, end this game, and then we can all go our separate ways.
he listens to everything she has to say and there are many things that he wants to respond to but ultimately there's only thing that really comes to mind for him. ]
I hope you can forgive yourself one day, Ayaka. [ softly said. ] I mean this.
I won't ask you to share your past with me nor do I expect you to, but I know what it's like to carry the kind of guilt that suffocates and lives in the back of your mind. [ ... ] A guilt that forces you to remember what you weren't able to do.
Definitely not today or tomorrow or maybe in the next few months, but eventually. May you be able to forgive yourself.
[ ayaka stares at the hat— at sabo— with a stunned expression. she can’t believe the words she’s hearing at the moment, but the impact they have on her are equivalent to sledgehammers to the walls that she had hastily built up again.
ayaka wishes that she could tell him about all the years that she spent running from her sins. that she could tell him about how the guilt of her existence was something so heavy that it crushed her heart and made her so easy for mages to use and change to what they see fit. about how she ran, ran, and ran from her sins like a fugitive until it she was hollowed out and filled with only more fear and guilt in a desperate attempt to reduce her to a mere tool for others to use for their benefit.
but when she opens her mouth, all that comes out is a quiet, broken sob. bottled up emotions and burning self-hatred spill out in tears as she covers her face with her hands in a feeble attempt from shielding herself from sabo’s heartfelt wish to her.]
[ and it's at this moment that sabo wishes he was more than just a simple hat so that he could offer her some level of comfort that best suited for a girl like her in a situation like this. however, he'll do his best in the way that he can and will lean into her. perhaps even aim to catch some of her tears with the top of his hat.
he still doesn't press her for answers or to explain herself or her situation. he means what he said and won't take those words back. everyone is so quick to vilify one another (and sometimes that's the right thing to do), but some people are trapped in a personal hell of their own creation. convinced that they deserve it.
should it really be fair for them to be stuck there for their entire lives? aren't they allowed to know what it's like to see a world unburdened by what binds them? ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
if he could grimace in a way that she could see him then he would. ]
I'm sorry, but he did what he needed to do to prevent being caught.
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[ of course.
there is a bitterness that rises over that, like of course the ends are only justified some times and not other times, but that is extinguished quickly. as she is now, she doesn't have the energy to even think of starting an argument. ]
no subject
though there's only so much room that he can use to avoid mentioning this so— ]
Perhaps I assume too little the last time we spoke. You have leaned on Richard a considerable amount during your time here.
[ again, no judgement. ]
no subject
[ and at this point it doesn’t matter. did she expect to end up having to cover up for murder and throw someone under the bus? absolutely not.
the weight of the guilt is heavy on her shoulders. it has never not been heavy. despite the horrible feeling in her chest, she can’t convince herself to regret it. ]
But I wasn’t going to let him give his life away. Not after he saved me.
[ even if she knows he would have. she could have pinned the entire thing on him, without any talk of self-defense, and he would have happily accepted the punishment. ]
no subject
It's neither good or bad. Things aren't black and white; there are people who think that I'm a good person but that's before they learn what I've done.
What I'm not afraid of doing.
[ but this isn't about him. this is about perspective, in some way. ]
I wouldn't have allowed someone who saved my life to die so easily. [ ... ] I would also be very angry with a person who unjustly took my life.
[ which prob hits differently given that he's a dead man.... ]
no subject
[ ayaka knows what it's like to be cursed. to be haunted. though at the end of the day it had been a series of illusions and magic that had forced her to genuinely believe that the red riding hood was a curse, the effects of it still remain. ]
But at the end of the day, it was my choice. I didn't want Saber to die and Saber wasn't going to let me die. I'm not trying to be indifferent about this-- some days, I feel like I'm going to suffocate from the guilt. [ but each day goes on and it... doesn't get easier, but she has very slowly gotten better at managing it, she thinks.
though once again she feels like she has taken 50 steps back. ]
I meant what I said. Siffrin can curse me all they want, because it's what I deserve. And I don't want their forgiveness, because it'd be a slap to the face to ask for it. All I want is to bring you guys back to life, end this game, and then we can all go our separate ways.
no subject
he listens to everything she has to say and there are many things that he wants to respond to but ultimately there's only thing that really comes to mind for him. ]
I hope you can forgive yourself one day, Ayaka. [ softly said. ] I mean this.
I won't ask you to share your past with me nor do I expect you to, but I know what it's like to carry the kind of guilt that suffocates and lives in the back of your mind. [ ... ] A guilt that forces you to remember what you weren't able to do.
Definitely not today or tomorrow or maybe in the next few months, but eventually. May you be able to forgive yourself.
no subject
[ ayaka stares at the hat— at sabo— with a stunned expression. she can’t believe the words she’s hearing at the moment, but the impact they have on her are equivalent to sledgehammers to the walls that she had hastily built up again.
ayaka wishes that she could tell him about all the years that she spent running from her sins. that she could tell him about how the guilt of her existence was something so heavy that it crushed her heart and made her so easy for mages to use and change to what they see fit. about how she ran, ran, and ran from her sins like a fugitive until it she was hollowed out and filled with only more fear and guilt in a desperate attempt to reduce her to a mere tool for others to use for their benefit.
but when she opens her mouth, all that comes out is a quiet, broken sob. bottled up emotions and burning self-hatred spill out in tears as she covers her face with her hands in a feeble attempt from shielding herself from sabo’s heartfelt wish to her.]
no subject
he still doesn't press her for answers or to explain herself or her situation. he means what he said and won't take those words back. everyone is so quick to vilify one another (and sometimes that's the right thing to do), but some people are trapped in a personal hell of their own creation. convinced that they deserve it.
should it really be fair for them to be stuck there for their entire lives? aren't they allowed to know what it's like to see a world unburdened by what binds them? ]