[ ayaka is in the kitchen, minding her own fucking business and probably eating some
ayaka looks at her when she enters, the weather around her chilly. it's neither snowing nor raining, but there's definitely some chill. she's a bit cold as a person, what's the problem?
she acknowledges her, and then goes back to eating her toast. mmm toast. ]
ayaka puts her toast down, taking into consideration siobhan's words. in the short span of her conscious life, she's seen more dead people than she remembers seeing here. what a miserable life she's lead. it's hilarious. ]
I'm not sure if there even is a normal amount of dead people that you should be seeing.
[ at this point, she's counting upwards of 6 before gaining consciousness here. ]
Well, apparently I'm on the lower end normally. There's whatever the magic guys with big fucking swords are doing. And aren't you and Rich in a literal fucking war? What's the difference between a Holy Grail War and normal war?
So the exact thing Ish is offering. Little easier to kill only one person than to kill twelve. Do we have to worry about you?
[She gives a little scoff like she's kidding.]
Who knows if any of this shit is fucking real, anyway? People make movies about how hard the Holy Grail is to find all the damn time where I'm from. Fuck, we made one or two of them.
You don't have to worry about me. I didn't join it because I had a wish for it.
[ she was coerced, manipulated, and changed for filia's whims. in her eyes, she was a vessel that needed to be filled for a greater purpose-- and that's what she did.
poor filia, now an empty husk herself. ayaka's heart twists like a knife in her chest. ]
I don't know if it's real or not either. It might not be. But my...sponsor thought it was real, so she sent me. That's all.
No offense, [Total offense.] but I'd probably send somebody with a little more heft and actual fucking drive to win if I needed somebody to go fight a magic war on my behalf.
[ she sets her toast down, looking away from the woman as the question pierces in and through her. it's hot and painful and her chest feels tight. the area around her is cold. ]
I don't know, really. I think I was just an easy pawn to sacrifice.
[ both true and not. she may be special, but there's nothing good about her kind of special. she's special in the same way that frankenstein's monster is. and someone this powerless to the wills of others would undoubtedly be easy prey for those with more powerful drives. ]
But I survived so... I still want to do my best for Sa...Richard.
[Ayaka admitting how expendable she is in that brittle, simpering tone makes Shiv wrinkle her nose somewhere between confusion and disgust.]
But you're the Master in the relationship. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Probably a big blow to his vows of chivalry or whatever the fuck if you aren't giving him a real reason to fight for you. Plus I'm pretty sure most girls your age would kill for a guy that would.
Enough people have sacrificed their lives for me. [ shiv is right on the money there. she should want to have someone that would lay down their life for her. but after seeing so many people do that, she's had enough.
the only real reason she's still in the grail war is because... ]
Richard's not fighting for me. He's fighting for himself because he has a wish of his own that he wants the Grail to grant.
[ a beautiful wish, one so selfless that she would probably never be able to fulfill. and yet it's something that fuels her enough to be able to look up at shiv with a glare. ]
And I want to help him get that wish. That's why I became his Master.
[Shiv narrows her eyes at Ayaka’s glare. How fucking sanctimonious, acting like she has no desires of her own and the power she’s been given is just a burden she’s making the best of.]
That right. How binding is that contract? What’s stopping Richard from tossing you out on your ass if he finds a better Master? Yeah, you’re a nice pretty girl and a good ego boost when you’re hiding behind him, but how much of a chance does he really have of winning with you?
Hopefully he’s not smart enough to think like that. Or you could use one of those spell thingies to stop him from signing with anybody else. That’s what I’d do.
I’ve given him more than enough chances to let me go. I rejected it at first, even.
[ she scoffs, though it’s entirely self-deprecating. shiv has not said anything new yet; it’s all thoughts that she had had herself.
(and yet there’s something even more insulting about hearing it from the mouth of someone else. ayaka knows she’s right, but it still makes her want to defy it.)
with indignation showing in the form of thunder, she shakes her head. ]
No, I can’t control what Richard wants or does. If I used one of these, he would probably find some loophole to do whatever he wants anyway. If he wanted to get rid of me or kill me, then I know he would have done so already.
Then the whole Master-Servant thing is just a load of bullshit?
[She gives a little laugh as if she's unaffected by Ayaka's indignation or her words, but the overcast clouds of thought swirling around Shiv darken. How is Ayaka so damn naive? How can she say she can't control Richard like that isn't the most terrifying thing in the world?]
God, you can't be that confident in him for no good reason. What do you really have over him?
[ ayaka stands up from her seat, her hands on the table as she takes a better look at the person talking to her. ]
I'm confident because he took care of me when he had no reason to. He's headstrong, impulsive, and doesn't know fear, but... I know that he wants to do what he thinks is right.
[ even if it means standing in a field of beheaded people. even if it means killing your own father. even if he himself has said that he is burning in hell... she can't bring herself to think of him as someone that would betray her.
which is why it hurts her to have a third party put her trust into question. ]
I don't... need to hold anything over him. I just trust him and that's all that there is about it.
You admit he's impulsive and you can still trust him? The way you describe him makes him sound a bit dangerous, actually. I'd keep a guy like that on a leash no matter how good I think he is. You don't want him running off doing shit he shouldn't.
[She knows a thing or two about that. One of the biggest regrets of her life is not being more careful with her own man.]
For people fighting a war, you two don't seem like you've got a lot of mind for strategy. Kinda weird.
I guess you're right. I'm not good at war. That's why I probably wasn't meant to participate in it in the first place.
[ once again, siobhan brings up points that ayaka has thought about over and over again, ad nauseum. she's not fit to be in the holy grail war, she has no desire for the holy grail war, she's barely a mage, let alone a master.
and yet saber has chosen her over and over again, given her every out he could possibly find for her and protected her whenever she needed, despite their relationship not being solidified...and they both stuck through it all, thick and thin.
she feels no need to mention the fact that richard is in fact the king richard the lionheart, partially because that's not for her to reveal and because she actually doesn't know much about the historical figure, outside of the snippets that she's seen from his dreams. ]
I'm sorry if you're not happy with our situation but... honestly, I don't think it concerns you, Siobhan. If Saber and I die because we weren't good enough... then that's our problem. Not yours.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
simulacres) wrote2025-03-18 08:48 pm
w2 uhhh tuesday
ayaka looks at her when she enters, the weather around her chilly. it's neither snowing nor raining, but there's definitely some chill. she's a bit cold as a person, what's the problem?
she acknowledges her, and then goes back to eating her toast. mmm toast. ]
no subject
[Shiv says it flatly. There's a few swirling clouds trailing her, overcast in thought.]
Fucking wild couple of days. Lot more dead people than I usually see.
[She pours herself some coffee as she makes idle conversation as if it's just business despite how fucked up this all is.]
no subject
[ great. a conversation.
ayaka puts her toast down, taking into consideration siobhan's words. in the short span of her conscious life, she's seen more dead people than she remembers seeing here. what a miserable life she's lead. it's hilarious. ]
I'm not sure if there even is a normal amount of dead people that you should be seeing.
[ at this point, she's counting upwards of 6 before gaining consciousness here. ]
no subject
Well, apparently I'm on the lower end normally. There's whatever the magic guys with big fucking swords are doing. And aren't you and Rich in a literal fucking war? What's the difference between a Holy Grail War and normal war?
no subject
[ ‘saber would know more’ she’s about to say, but she realizes that maybe people don’t know that he’s Literally Richard I, King of England. ]
Like, it’s uh, what, 7 Masters and 7 Servants? And I guess we’re all fighting for a Holy Grail which is supposed to grant any wish…
no subject
[She gives a little scoff like she's kidding.]
Who knows if any of this shit is fucking real, anyway? People make movies about how hard the Holy Grail is to find all the damn time where I'm from. Fuck, we made one or two of them.
no subject
[ she was coerced, manipulated, and changed for filia's whims. in her eyes, she was a vessel that needed to be filled for a greater purpose-- and that's what she did.
poor filia, now an empty husk herself. ayaka's heart twists like a knife in her chest. ]
I don't know if it's real or not either. It might not be. But my...sponsor thought it was real, so she sent me. That's all.
no subject
No offense, [Total offense.] but I'd probably send somebody with a little more heft and actual fucking drive to win if I needed somebody to go fight a magic war on my behalf.
no subject
[ she sets her toast down, looking away from the woman as the question pierces in and through her. it's hot and painful and her chest feels tight. the area around her is cold. ]
I don't know, really. I think I was just an easy pawn to sacrifice.
[ both true and not. she may be special, but there's nothing good about her kind of special. she's special in the same way that frankenstein's monster is. and someone this powerless to the wills of others would undoubtedly be easy prey for those with more powerful drives. ]
But I survived so... I still want to do my best for Sa...Richard.
no subject
But you're the Master in the relationship. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Probably a big blow to his vows of chivalry or whatever the fuck if you aren't giving him a real reason to fight for you. Plus I'm pretty sure most girls your age would kill for a guy that would.
no subject
the only real reason she's still in the grail war is because... ]
Richard's not fighting for me. He's fighting for himself because he has a wish of his own that he wants the Grail to grant.
[ a beautiful wish, one so selfless that she would probably never be able to fulfill. and yet it's something that fuels her enough to be able to look up at shiv with a glare. ]
And I want to help him get that wish. That's why I became his Master.
no subject
[Shiv narrows her eyes at Ayaka’s glare. How fucking sanctimonious, acting like she has no desires of her own and the power she’s been given is just a burden she’s making the best of.]
That right. How binding is that contract? What’s stopping Richard from tossing you out on your ass if he finds a better Master? Yeah, you’re a nice pretty girl and a good ego boost when you’re hiding behind him, but how much of a chance does he really have of winning with you?
Hopefully he’s not smart enough to think like that. Or you could use one of those spell thingies to stop him from signing with anybody else. That’s what I’d do.
no subject
[ she scoffs, though it’s entirely self-deprecating. shiv has not said anything new yet; it’s all thoughts that she had had herself.
(and yet there’s something even more insulting about hearing it from the mouth of someone else. ayaka knows she’s right, but it still makes her want to defy it.)
with indignation showing in the form of thunder, she shakes her head. ]
No, I can’t control what Richard wants or does. If I used one of these, he would probably find some loophole to do whatever he wants anyway. If he wanted to get rid of me or kill me, then I know he would have done so already.
no subject
[She gives a little laugh as if she's unaffected by Ayaka's indignation or her words, but the overcast clouds of thought swirling around Shiv darken. How is Ayaka so damn naive? How can she say she can't control Richard like that isn't the most terrifying thing in the world?]
God, you can't be that confident in him for no good reason. What do you really have over him?
no subject
[ ayaka stands up from her seat, her hands on the table as she takes a better look at the person talking to her. ]
I'm confident because he took care of me when he had no reason to. He's headstrong, impulsive, and doesn't know fear, but... I know that he wants to do what he thinks is right.
[ even if it means standing in a field of beheaded people. even if it means killing your own father. even if he himself has said that he is burning in hell... she can't bring herself to think of him as someone that would betray her.
which is why it hurts her to have a third party put her trust into question. ]
I don't... need to hold anything over him. I just trust him and that's all that there is about it.
no subject
[So sweet that she's gonna puke.]
You admit he's impulsive and you can still trust him? The way you describe him makes him sound a bit dangerous, actually. I'd keep a guy like that on a leash no matter how good I think he is. You don't want him running off doing shit he shouldn't.
[She knows a thing or two about that. One of the biggest regrets of her life is not being more careful with her own man.]
For people fighting a war, you two don't seem like you've got a lot of mind for strategy. Kinda weird.
[Must be fake. Surely.]
no subject
[ once again, siobhan brings up points that ayaka has thought about over and over again, ad nauseum. she's not fit to be in the holy grail war, she has no desire for the holy grail war, she's barely a mage, let alone a master.
and yet saber has chosen her over and over again, given her every out he could possibly find for her and protected her whenever she needed, despite their relationship not being solidified...and they both stuck through it all, thick and thin.
she feels no need to mention the fact that richard is in fact the king richard the lionheart, partially because that's not for her to reveal and because she actually doesn't know much about the historical figure, outside of the snippets that she's seen from his dreams. ]
I'm sorry if you're not happy with our situation but... honestly, I don't think it concerns you, Siobhan. If Saber and I die because we weren't good enough... then that's our problem. Not yours.